The three month mark has come and gone. Morning, noon and night I check my Gmail account for the posting of potential jobs to make application. I look knowing my 30 years of experience might not be taken into account and I may be making half of what I made previously. That would not be bad, but it means I would need a second job; not a pretty thought. I have had 3 interviews in that past month and a half. Obviously, I have not gotten any offers as I am writing this blog. One thing that is different from days past is once you’ve had the interview, if they are not interested in you they just don’t contact you. In the beginning, I followed up with emails and told, “Oh I am sorry we didn’t contact you the position was filled by…” I have stopped following up. I am glad we are past the days of sending paper resumes as I feel I have used a forest of trees with all the paper I used. This is the more cognitive part of my journey.
Emotionally, this has been a wild and painful roller coaster ride. I’ve felt discouragement in such depth. I struggle with dark thoughts and try not to spiral down to the hole where I am nothing. When I feel I am being sucked in, I take a breath and try to fill my mind with thoughts of how I have the skills; I am a competent worker; I am a valuable person. Discouragement easily fills my mind when I remember all of the work I have put into the job search without results. When that does not happen, I get on the phone and call someone on my support list. When talking with them, I do not allow myself to open up and tell of the darkness. I think just hearing a voice of someone who cares pulls me back to reality. When I cannot tell of the depth of the hurt and darkness, I am still left with a hole in my heart. I hold back because I do not want to hear anyone telling me that it will be all right. Damn, I know that, but my emotions, like a rock attached to my neck by a thick rope, are pulling me down. I don’t want to be told, “don’t worry, the right job will come along.” No kidding, but until then it is a harder time than you can imagine. What I do need is being told that someone hears what I am saying and they empathize. I don’t need to hear about them. When I don’t get what I need, depending on the relationship, I tell them what I need to hear and hope they realize and respond as I need.
Sure I am being pulled to places I hate. I don’t want to be Polly Anna, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel most of the time. I cannot deny my feelings at the other times. I release myself from the rope tied around my neck. I swim up, take a breath and swim on. I hope I don’t have to swim too long; I don’t know how much strength I have.